Remembering Keith

On September 24, 2022, I lost the love of my life, Keith Grover.

He was the partner I always dreamed of having: handsome, supportive, fun; always dependable, got along with everyone, who always came home, cooked dinners, and believed that the family should eat at the table and talk about their day. He always made me laugh; and he traveled across the country to marry me and live in New York State, even though he had loved Colorado and had his dream job there at the time.

He traveled across the country for love. I was blessed. Truly. Everyone should be loved like that by someone during their lifetime.

Because my husband’s health had been poor for some time, we had talked about funerals and memorials, and had decided we didn’t want any of the traditional stuff. No caskets, no funeral homes. Keith wanted to be cremated and have his ashes spread over Pike’s Peak which we had seen on our cross country trip in 2009. (We will be working on that family trip and memorial in the next year.) And he didn’t care how we memorialized him.

So this is our memorial.

I met Keith in 2003, in an email introduction from a mutual friend. He was a divorced special ed teacher in Colorado, and we hit it off with words immediately. He was an eloquent writer, and an accurate speller, a deep thinker about God and destiny, and exuded warmth across the miles.

I can truly say Keith was the great love of my life. We met for the first time face to face in August, 2003, and had instant chemistry. And such joy and laughs together! We got engaged two months later, he packed up and left his beloved Colorado, and relocated to Rochester. We never looked back; it was all totally worth it. He took care of me and the kids; and we had Sarah in April, 2005.

We really liked each other as human beings, and with all of his health issues later, that was the truth that endured: we loved but also genuinely liked each other.

I learned a lot about this complex man in the 19 years we were together. Born March 23, 1945, he had been a high school Varsity baseball and basketball athlete. (According to his sister, “He was not just a good athlete; he was a great athlete.”) He had injured his knee playing basketball, which made him unable to serve in Vietnam. He had been a classic 60s hippie. He spent a year living in his van and traveling the country.

His first serious job had been working at the infamous Willowbrook State School for children with intellectual disabilities as an attendant; work he couldn’t stand for long due the wretched conditions (later brought to light in a documentary by Geraldo Rivera. Willowbrook was around from 1947 until 1987. It was designed for 4,000, but by 1965 it had a population of 6,000). Keith was profoundly affected by what he saw there, which made him a great disability rights supporter and ally.

He later got his certification to teach special ed, and did so for a while, then worked in sales for his father’s printing company; and even spent some years as a truck driver, traveling the entire 48 contiguous states in big rigs.

When I met him he had returned to teaching. I visited him in Colorado before we were married, and what was not to love? He had the privilege of working with the kids who had been suspended permanently from school in some cases, and he was the one who gave them their second chance at their diploma. Some of his kids, like his student Sam whom I met, had medical conditions that prevented them from attending school. Sam had cystic fibrosis, and was a very promising student, who idolized Keith. He and his entire family took Keith and I out to dinner when I was visiting. Keith did the best sort of work.

And he left his dream job there to come out and be part of my family, our new family. He never quite found another job that he loved as much as that one, before he retired.

I’m so happy to have been able to share my life with the guy who liked to crank up Fleetwood Mac and Pink Floyd, and occasionally would get out his guitar and play along; with my travel buddy who helped us establish Ocean City, MD as a family destination; with the guy who told my kids he loved them; with the guy who introduced the kids and me to the beauty of the West; with the guy who started off Jewish, was baptized in an Episcopal church, and looked for quiet, spiritual moments in everything; with the guy who aligned with me politically but knew how to keep his mouth shut in social settings. Who loved dogs, and was instrumental in bringing 2 beautiful dogs into our family, Rocky and Charly (who passed on before he did). Keith loved the Rocky Mountains and the ocean, but settled for Rochester, NY. And he was the guy who gave me a thank-you card in the hospital after our daughter, Sarah, was born.

Favorite quotes

Keith often bragged about his four kids, and never made a distinction about “step” or not; they were his kids. For each one, I have a favorite Keith quote.

About Jake: “Thank God for Jake.”

Jake is the one who, when Keith was in a nursing home in 2020, and I was agonizing over the shortage of aides and the possibility we may not figure out how to get him home … told me, “He says he’s lonely and wants to come home. So let’s get him home.” Both boys pitched in initially, then Jake quit his job to work full-time as his aide. More than once, Keith acknowledged to me that he knew Jake remained his ticket to freedom.

About Andy: “You really couldn’t ask for a better kid.”

Keith said this the evening Andy won a middle school award, which was a big deal in the school auditorium, It was the “Effort Award,” and he was singled out for it. “That’s really what’s behind any success, ever,” Keith pointed out. “It doesn’t get much better than that.”

About Priya: (long pause) “Geeze. Good for her. Good for her.”

He said this about Priya so many times over the years that it stands out to me. He would never demean her by saying she was “amazing,” or “an inspiration,” but with every achievement, and every award and every success, he would just sit back in awe and give her quiet kudos.

About Sarah: “She really is the best of both of us.”

While this was often a joke that Sarah did not inherit either of our less desirable qualities … he was blown away by the many ways she was excellent. Becoming her father at the age of 60 was, I believe, the culminating blessing in his life.

Keith had always said he wanted a quick departure from this life, quick and painless. What he ended up going through was a long and protracted illness due to peripheral vascular disease, Lewy Body Dementia, and a brain tumor. He spent time in a nursing home, but we moved heaven and earth to get him back home with us. Jake and Andy provided his care, which became increasingly complex during his last year and a half. He did not get the “quick and painless” departure, but he did get to be at home with his family, and he handled it all with Grace. He made us laugh right up to the end, and never forgot to say “I love you.”

Our kids who loved him and are left behind — Jake (27), Andy (27), Priya (24), and Sarah (17) — I know will remember him in the beauty of our great country — as they move on to their lives and careers — which he helped to introduce us to.

I will forever remember him in the driver’s seat of our van, pulling an RV as we trekked with the entire family and a dog in 2009, from NY to the Grand Canyon. I will remember Keith playing basketball with the boys in the driveway; and then fast-forward to them lifting him from his wheelchair in his last days, and settling him into his easy chair.

I will remember him saying to Priya, “How’s my favorite 5-year-old?” And then over a decade later, bragging about her activism and her college scholarships. And I will remember him helping Sarah take her first steps, as well as I will remember her feeding him his dinner in the hospital a month before his passing.

I will treasure the memory of those dark, soulful eyes, that handsome smile and contagious laugh. I will never, ever forget the love. Thank you, honey, for sharing this space and time with us.

Please leave a comment or a remembrance below the photo galleries. In keeping with Keith’s wishes, in lieu of flowers, please consider a donation to our daughter Sarah’s college fund by clicking here, set up by Sarah’s Godmother, Brenda. Thank you all for your love and support.